Royal Wedding Drinking Game

It’s time to face facts; if you haven’t received your invite to the royal wedding then you’re not going to, I’m afraid.  Many would be utterly distraught to find that they are not going to the biggest event of the year, the chance to ponce around with toffee nosed Lords and discussing how to select a good Port, is possibly lost forever. But fear not, help is at hand. While others would simply sit and sulk about their royal snub, there is an alternative to get you through the protracted wedding ceremony and true to the greatest of British traditions, this alternative involves binge drinking.

Time to prepare!  First, get yourself down to the supermarket with the following list (quantities for approximately two people):

·         At least two crates of lager – try to keep away from Stella here as you don’t want to end up punching a fellow player.  If you’re feeling thirsty then get way more than enough, you don’t want to run out of booze midway through this royal bilge and have to watch any period of the wedding dry.

·         A bottle of Whisky or Vodka – the cheaper the better. The irony won’t be lost that whilst the toffs on the TV are sipping good Champagne, you’ll be drinking fluid that could more correctly be used to take the paint of paintbrushes. Remember, it’s worth taking it easy on this or else you won’t be able to coherently hurl abuse at the television screen.

·         A bottle of cheap fizzy Italian white wine(2 litres for approx £3) – Adding a touch of class to your own party (why should those blue-blooded twerps be the only ones to drink bubbly?!). If in Scotland, Buckfast will do this job nicely.

·         A multi-pack of crisps – Leave the caviar-topped vol au vents to them, we’ll be having mini-cheddars, chip-sticks and Quavers, thank you very much. Such snacks are essential as you’ll need a good lining on your stomach.

So, the shopping’s done and now it’s time to play the game!  Get your TV on nice and early, it’s beneficial at this point to already have a few beers inside of you as your stomach will otherwise churn at the sycophantic crawling of the BBC pundits. Remember at this point not to throw anything hard enough to smash the screen at the TV as this will void the rest of the game and may lead to you having to listen to the rest of the event by radio, which would be crap. You’ll need a bit of space for the vast quantities of lager that you’re about to imbibe so don’t get too leathered just yet. Though it’s probably worth having a spot of breakfast to soak up the alcohol – make it something that won’t taste too bad as it comes the other way or stain the carpet irreparably.

Take your seats, it’s about to begin! OK, the rules to which you must adhere until the end of the coverage – let’s face it, you’re not going to make it all the way through so be prepared to pass out before the end. The rules:

1.You must be drinking whenever Kate and Wills are on screen together

2.The TV shows shots of the crowds outside Westminster - everybody hold their noses and drink to get rid of the stench of poverty.

3.Queen falls asleep; all drinks must be downed and a rendition of God Save the Queen made

4.Any shots of a gormless reporter standing in an empty street insisting "Katherine will be here any second" - drink whole time this goes on.

5. The appearance of Prince Phillip on the screen must be greeted by a loudly shouted racist remark. The last one to do so must drink a shot of whisky.

6. Any crawly remarks made by the BBC pundits must be loudly condemned by a hail of expletives. The person in the room felt to have made the least nasty remarks must drink three fingers of beer.

7. The commentator mentions Dianna; three fingers of beer

8. When the couple say “I do”, all drinks must be downed and the empty can crushed against the forehead. The last person to do this must drink an extra shot of whisky.

As is often the case with such events, the sheer boredom of the occasion may ultimately take over. In this instance, the channel may ONLY be changed in order to watch football. Of course, each individual party will want to invent their own rules to this already great game. Be sensible though, as you want to remain drunk enough to get through the entire event without completely giving up the will to live.

I hope this hub helps to make it more bearable for everyone not already invited to the actual wedding. Please post your own rules in the comments section below or visit the Facebook community page or the Royal Wedding Drinking Game and take your pick from several thousand rule ideas.